”It’s A Wonderful Life, A Live Radio Play” Audition Monologues
FREDDY/FELICIA FILMORE / ANNOUNCER:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls, young and old, old and new. Greetings from Manhattan, New York, right here in the U.S. of A. I’m your host, Freddie Filmore, and it is my pleasure to bring you your favorite stories this and every week on WBFR Playhouse of the Air. Tonight we bring you a feel-good heart warmer, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. We begin our story in the little town of Bedford Falls...
JOSEPH/BERNADETTE 1
This is the story of George Bailey—an ordinary man who lives in Bedford Falls, New York. But George Bailey--more than anything— wanted to see the world--the exciting world that lay somewhere beyond his home town. George had big dreams. But also big responsibilities. Of course, sometimes the two don’t exactly fit together. Sometimes happiness is not over the rainbow, but right under your nose. However, our story doesn’t begin in Bedford Falls. In fact, it doesn't begin anywhere in this world...
JOSEPH//BERNADETTE 2
Now look, Clarence. A few months later, Young George was working after school at Gower’s drug store. But on this day, Mr. Gower received a telegram informing him that his only son had just died of influenza. Devastated, Mr. Gower was trying to drown his sorrow in whiskey, when...
JOSEPH/BERNADETTE 3
“Number 320 Sycamore Street was the old Granville house. The one George and Mary threw rocks at and made wishes. Mary had prepared the house, including a turkey dinner, romantic decorations, and even a marriage bed. Yes sir, that’s where they spent their honeymoon, that’s where they started their lives together. Mary made the leaky old house a home, while George toiled away at the Building and Loan office.
POTTER 1:
Peter Bailey was not a business man. That’s what killed him. Oh, I don’t mean any disrespect to him, God rest his soul. He was a man of high ideals, so called, but ideals without common sense can ruin this town. What does that get us? A discontented lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class. And all because a few starry-eyed dreamers like Peter Bailey stir them up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible hooey.
POTTER 2:
(TO GEORGE) You hate the Building and Loan almost as much as I do, George. You’ve been dying to get out of this town ever since you were born. You see your friends, your brother, go places.... while you’re trapped here! Trapped into frittering away your life, playing nursemaid to a lot of garlic-eaters! Is this a correct picture, or do I exaggerate? (PAUSE) You’re pathetic, George Bailey....! For years, you opposed my plans and derided my character. You said you didn’t need me or my money. Did you not? And now... suddenly, I’m very important to you. Well.... do I look like... (CHORTLES) Santa Claus? (CHUCKLES) Hm-m-m-m.
POTTER 3 (to George’s father, who runs the Building and Loan)
“Mr. Bailey, Mr. Bailey, Mr. Bailey. There is nothing quite so loathsome as a family business. Now, Peter, you know what I’m here for. I’m on a very tight schedule. I’ve a family to evict at three. Have you put any pressure on those people of yours to pay their mortgages? No? Hell, I don’t care if times are hard. I don’t care if they’re out of work... Foreclose!!! Are you running a business or a charity ward?”
GEORGE 1:
Do you know how long it takes a working man to save five thousand dollars? Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you’re talking about...they do most of working and paying and living and dying in this community. Is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? My father didn’t think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped frustrated old man, they’re cattle!
GEORGE 2
What did I wish for, Mary? Oh... I don’t know... Hmmm... Not just one wish, a whole hatful of 'em. Y’see... I'm leaving this crummy little town. I want to see the world!
Italy! Greece! The Parthenon! The Coliseum! Then I’m coming back here to go to college and see what they know...and then I’m going to build air fields and skyscrapers a hundred stories high and bridges a mile long! What do you want, Mary? Do you want the moon? All you gotta do is just say the word and I”ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.
GEORGE 3
Now, wait a minute! Why my father ever started this penny-ante Building and Loan, I'll never know. But just remember this, Mr. Potter! That... “rabble”... you're talking about... Well, they do most of the working and paying... and living and dying in this community. Is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms with a bath...? Anyway, my father didn’t think so! People were human beings to him! But to you--a warped, frustrated, old man—they're cattle!
PETER:
You know, George, I feel that in a small way we’re doing something important. It’s not too much for a man to want his own roof and walls and fireplace – and we’re helping him get those things in our shabby little office. This town’s no place to live if you aren’t willing to crawl to Potter. George, you get yourself an education. Then get out of here.
VIOLET:
Hello Georgie-Porgie. Oh, you like my dress? This old thing? I only wear it when I don’t care how I look. What gives? Oh, you’re going to the library, huh? Georgie, don’t you ever get tired of just reading about things? Come on, let’s make a night of it. What do you wanna do? “Go out in the fields and take off our shoes and walk in the grass”? Have you gone crazy? Walk in the grass in my bare feet?!
MARY 1:
Hello George. Your mother just phoned and said you were on your wave over to pay me a visit. Would you like to come in? I just got back in town on Tuesday. I liked college and I liked New York okay. But I don’t know...I guess I was homesick...for Bedford Falls, and my family, and oh...everything. (replies to her mother) It’s George Bailey, mother! What does he want? I don’t know. What do you want George? (no answer) He’s making violent love to me, Mother!
MARY 2:
(CONCERNED) What’s the matter, George? You haven’t said a word since you came home! Zuzu’s got a little temperature. The doctor said it was nothing serious. (PAUSE) Why are you shouting? George! Whatever's wrong with you? Must you torture the children too?
SAM WAINWRIGHT:
George, I have a big deal coming up that’s going to make us all rich! Hee haw! George, you remember that night at Martini’s Bar when you told me about making plastics out of soybeans? Well my father’s checked into it, and now he’s going to build a factory outside of Rochester. Here’s the point, George, I may have a job for you, that is, unless you’re still married to that old broken down Building and Loan. I’m giving you the chance of a lifetime!
SADIE:
Now just a minute here, Potter. You can’t fire me! I’m a bank examiner, and you can’t fire me. I’m state appointed. And what’s more, I’m not going to turn my back. This is stealing from the Baileys. Something like this would certainly cause them to fold. I want no part
of this. The Baileys have always stood for something you always wanted and are so jealous of: They’re honest.
CLARENCE 1:
Ridiculous of you to think of killing yourself for money. Eight thousand dollars. It’s against the law to commit suicide where I come from. So I had to act quickly. That’s why I jumped in. I knew if I were drowning you would try to save me. And you see, you did, and that’s how I saved you. George, I’m the answer to your prayer. I know all about you. I’ve watched you grow up from a little boy. I’m your guardian angel. Clarence Oddbody, A-S-2. Angel, Second Class.
CLARENCE 2:
(SIGHS) Looking for “Bailey Park,” George? As you can see... It’s a cemetery... Martini’s buried here.... the little Blaine girl... your father... and... right next to him... Harry. Your little brother fell through the ice... and was drowned at the age of nine! Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. Y’know, George... You really had a wonderful life.
NICK:
(FED UP) Listen, “Clarence.” We serve hard liquor here for men who want to get drunk quick. If that’s not good enough for you, perhaps I could “convince” you otherwise! (CALLS OUT) Bill! Get these two outta here! Out! Out! Out!
MA BAILEY:
So, George, how do you like your new sister- in-law? She’ll keep Harry on his toes. (PAUSE) Did you know... Mary Hatch is back from college too? She’s been back three whole days. Nice girl, that Mary. (IMPATIENT) Oh! Stop this moping, George Bailey! It’s not like you. You don’t want her to be an old maid, do you?
George? (GASPS) George! (CALLING AFTER HIM) You go and see Mary! Do you hear?...
YOUNG GEORGE 1:
Ow! You're hurting my sore ear! (IN TEARS) You put something wrong in those pills. I... (SOBBING) Look! I know you're sad... You're upset about your son dying. You’ve been drinking! But you put something bad in these capsules. Look at them, Mr. Gower! You took the powder from this bottle. It's... poison!
YOUNG GEORGE 2 (to young Mary, who is choosing ice cream)
“Hi there, Mary, made up your mind yet? You want the chocolate with coconuts? Oh yeah, that’s right, you don’t like coconuts. Say, brainless, don’t you know where coconuts
come from? Lookit here---from Tahiti---Fiji Islands, the Coral Sea! See my new magazine? Only us explorers get it. I’ve been nominated for membership in the National Geographic Society.”
YOUNG MARY (as Young George makes her an ice cream cone)
“Is this the ear you can’t hear on?” (He doesn’t respond) “George Bailey, I’ll love you till the day I die.”
ZUZU:
(TO GEORGE) I won a flower at school, Daddy. Can you give it a drink of water? (GASPS) Daddy! You crushed it!(UPSET) Fix it, Daddy. Paste it. (PAUSE) Thank you, Daddy. You can do anything. (PAUSE) Daddy! Teacher says, “Every time a bell rings..., some angel gets-their- wings!”
JANIE (playing a Christmas carol on the piano) I have to practice for the party tonight, Daddy.”
PETE
Mommy says we can stay up until midnight and sing Christmas carols! “Excuse me. Excuse me...excuse me? I burped.”
It’s A Wonderful Life Audition SIDES
AUDITION SIDE 1 GEORGE-MARY
GEORGE AND MARY (singing): Buffalo Gals can't you come out tonight, Can't you come out tonight, Can't you come out tonight. Buffalo Gals can't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon.
GEORGE: Hot dog! Just like an organ. MARY: Beautiful.
GEORGE: And I told Harry I thought I'd be bored to death. You know, if it wasn't me talking I'd say you were the prettiest girl in town.
MARY: Well, why don't you say it?
GEORGE: I don't know. Maybe I will say it. How old are you anyway?
MARY: Eighteen.
GEORGE: Eighteen? Why, it was only last year you were seventeen.
MARY: Too young or too old?
GEORGE: Oh, no, Just right. Your age fits you. You look older....I mean younger..... you just look....Mary....... (awkward silence) ......you’re......
MARY {singing) :As I was lumbering down the street...down the street, down the street.....!
GEORGE: Hey look where we are! The old Granville house! Let’s throw a rock and make a wish!
MARY: Oh, no, don't. I love that old house.
GEORGE: No. You see, you make a wish and then try and break some glass. You got to be a pretty good shot nowadays, too.
MARY: Oh, no, George, don't. It's full of romance, that old place. I'd like to live in it.
GEORGE: In that place?
MARY: Uh-huh.
GEORGE: I wouldn’t live in it as a ghost. Now watch! Right on second floor up there........ (He throws. We hear the SOUND of a window breaking.)
MARY: What'd you wish, George?
GEORGE: Well, not just one wish. A whole hatful, Mary. I know what I'm going to do tomorrow and the next! I'm going to college and then shake off the dust of this crummy little town and build bridges a mile long, skyscrapers and huge....(sees Mary pick up a rock)...Hey, what are you doing? You gonna make a wish?
MARY: Uh-huh. (She throws rock and glass breaks.)
GEORGE : Hey, that's pretty good. What'd you wish, Mary?
MARY (singing): Buffalo Gals, can't you come out tonight
MARY AND GEORGE (singing):..... and dance by the light of the moon. GEORGE: What'd you wish when you threw that rock?
MARY: Oh, no.
GEORGE: Come on, tell me.
MARY: If I told you it might not come true.
GEORGE: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey, that’s a pretty good idea. I’ll give you the moon, Mary!
MARY: I'll take it. And then what?
George: Well, then you could swallow it and it’d dissolve, see? And the moonsbeams’d
shoot out of your fingers and your toes and your hair ..... (pause) Am I talking too much?
AUDITION SIDE 2 GEORGE-ZUZU
ZUZU: Hi, Daddy.
GEORGE: Well, what happened to you?
ZUZU: I won a flower.
GEORGE: Wait now. What are you doing?
ZUZU: Want to give my flower a drink.
GEORGE: OK let me give it a drink.
ZUZU: Look, Daddy the petals are falling off. Paste them back.
GEORGE: Yeah, all right. I will put them in my pocket and fix them later. Now, will you do something for me?
ZUZU: What?
GEORGE: Will you try to get some sleep?
ZUZU: I'm not sleepy. I want to look at my flower.
GEORGE: I know -- I know, but you just go to sleep, and then you can dream about it, and it'll be a whole garden.
ZUZU: It will? GEORGE: Uh-huh. ZUZU: OK, Daddy.
AUDITION SIDE 3 GEORGE-CLARENCE
GEORGE: Clarence! I am a little confused. How'd you happen to fall in?
CLARENCE: I didn't fall in. I jumped in to save you George.
GEORGE: You what? To save me?
CLARENCE: Well, I did, didn't I? You didn't go through with it, did you? GEORGE: Go through with what?
CLARENCE: Suicide. It's against the law where I come from. GEORGE: Where do you come from?
CLARENCE: Heaven. I had to act quickly; that's why I jumped in. I knew if I were drowning you'd try to save me. And you see, you did, and that's how I saved you.
GEORGE (offhand): Very funny.
CLARENCE: Your lip's bleeding, George.
GEORGE: Yeah, I got a bust in the jaw in answer to a prayer a little bit ago.
CLARENCE: Oh, no -- no -- no. I'm the answer to your prayer. That's why I was sent down here George.
GEORGE (casually interested): How do you know my name?
CLARENCE: Oh, I know all about you. I've watched you grow up from a little boy.
GEORGE: What are you, a mind reader or something? CLARENCE: Oh, no.
GEORGE: Well, who are you, then?
CLARENCE: Clarence Odbody, A-S-2.
GEORGE: Odbody, A_S-2? What’s that A-s-2?
CLARENCE: Angel, Second Class.
GEORGE: Oh, brother. I wonder what Martini put in those drinks? What did you say just a minute ago? Why'd you want to save me?
CLARENCE: That's what I was sent down for. I'm your guardian angel. I know all about you.
GEORGE: I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
CLARENCE: Ridiculous to think of killing yourself for money. Eight thousand dollars.
GEORGE (bewildered) Now how'd you know that?
CLARENCE: I told you -- I'm your guardian angel
GEORGE: Well, you look about like the kind of an angel I'd get. What happened to your wings?
CLARENCE: I haven't won my wings yet. That's why I'm an angel Second Class.
GEORGE: I don't know whether I like it very much being seen around with an angel without any wings.
CLARENCE: Oh, I've got to earn them, and you'll help me, won't you?
GEORGE: You don't happen to have eight thousand bucks on you?
CLARENCE: Oh, no, no. We don't use money in Heaven.
GEORGE: Oh, that's right, I keep forgetting. Comes in pretty handy down here, but I found it out a little late. I'm worth more dead than alive.
CLARENCE: Now look, you mustn’t talk like that. I won’t get my wings with that attitude. You just don’t know all that you’ve done. Why, if it hadn’t been for you.......!
GEORGE: Yeah, if it hadn’t been for me, everybody’d be a lot better off. My wife, my kids, my friends....
CLARENCE (to himself): Hmmm, this isn't going to be so easy. So you still think killing yourself would make everyone feel happier, eh?
GEORGE: Maybe you’re right. I suppose it have been better if I had never been born at all.
CLARENCE: Oh, you mustn’t say things like that! Wait a minute! That’s an idea. OK, you’ve got your wish. You’ve never been born.
AUDITION SIDE 4 GEORGE, UNCLE BILLY, MRS. BAILEY
UNCLE BILLY: Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy. George, my son, I feel so good I could spit in Potter's eye. I think I will. What did you say, huh? Or, maybe I'd better go home. Where's my hat? Where's my...
GEORGE: Try your head!
UNCLE BILLY: Oh, thank you, George. Yes here it is! Which hat is mine?
GEORGE (laughing): The middle one.
UNCLE BILLY: Oh,thankyou,George,oldboy,oldboy. Now,look—if you’ll point me in the right direction. Would you do that, George?
GEORGE: Right down here.
UNCLE BILLY: Old Building and Loan pal,huh.
(Uncle Billy leaves singing then there is a CRASH of garbage cans)
UNCLE BILLY'S VOICE: I'm all right. I'm all right. (door opens, Mrs. Bailey joins George on porch)
GEORGE: Hello, Mom.
MRS. BAILEY: You're out here all by yourself. Everything OK? GEORGE: Everything's fine Mom. Harry's a lucky guy.
MRS. BAILEY: How do you like her?
GEORGE: Ruth's swell.
MRS. BAILEY: Looks like she can keep Harry on his toes.
GEORGE: Keep him out of Bedford Falls, anyway.
MRS. BAILEY: I suppose. Did you know that Mary Hatch is back from school? GEORGE: Uh-huh.
MRS. BAILEY: Came back three days ago.
GEORGE: Hmmmm.
MRS. BAILEY: Nice girl, Mary.
GEORGE: Hmmmm.
MRS. BAILEY: Kind that will help you find the answers, George.
GEORGE: Hmmm.
MRS. BAILEY: Oh, stop that grunting.
GEORGE: Hmmm.
MRS. BAILEY: Can you give me one good reason why you shouldn't call on Mary? GEORGE: Sure -- Sam Wainwright.
MRS. BAILEY: Hmmm?
GEORGE: Yes. Sam's crazy about Mary.
MRS. BAILEY: Well, she's not crazy about him.
GEORGE: Well, how do you know? Did she discuss it with you?
MRS. BAILEY: No.
GEORGE: Well then, how do you know?
MRS. BAILEY: Well, I've got eyes, haven't I? Why, she lights up like a firefly whenever you're around.
GEORGE: Oh.
MRS. BAILEY: And besides, Sam Wainwright's away in New York, and you're here in Bedford Falls.
GEORGE: And all's fair in love and war?
MRS. BAILEY (primly}: I don't know about war.
GEORGE: Mother, you know, I can see right through you -- trying to get rid of me, huh?
MRS. BAILEY: Uh-huh.
GEORGE: All right, Mother, I think I'll go out and find a girl and do a little passionate necking.
MRS. BAILEY: Oh, George!
GEORGE: Good night, Mrs. Bailey.
AUDITION SIDE 5- Gower, Young George, Young Mary, Young Violet
YOUNG GEORGE: It's me, Mr. Gower. George Bailey.
GOWER: You’re late.
YOUNG GEORGE: Yes, sir.
YOUNG VIOLET: Hello, George.(then, flatly) Hello, Mary.
MARY (primly): Hello, Violet.
YOUNG GEORGE: Two cents worth of shoelaces?
YOUNG VIOLET: She was here first.
YOUNG MARY: I’m still thinking.
YOUNG GEORGE (to Violet): Shoelaces?
YOUNG VIOLET: Please, Georgie. (George walks away.) YOUNG VIOLET (to Mary): I like him.
YOUNG MARY: You like every boy.
YOUNG VIOLET (happily): What's wrong with that? YOUNG GEORGE: Here you are.
YOUNG GEORGE: Made up your mind yet?
YOUNG MARY: I'll take chocolate.
YOUNG GEORGE: With coconut?
YOUNG MARY: I don't like coconut.
YOUNG GEORGE: You don't like coconut! Say, brainless, don't you know where coconuts come from? Look it here. (We hear a Magazine Being opening on a counter.) -- from Tahiti -- Fiji Islands, the Coral Sea!
YOUNG MARY: A new magazine! I never saw it before.
YOUNG GEORGE: Of course you never. Only us explorers can get it. I've been nominated for membership in the National Geographic Society. Let me get your ice cream.
YOUNG MARY: Is this the ear you can't hear on? George Bailey, I'll love you till the day I die.
YOUNG GEORGE: Here you go. I'm going out exploring someday, you watch. And I'm going to have a couple of harems, and maybe three or four wives. Wait and see. (Starts whistling)
GOWER: George! George!
YOUNG GEORGE: Yes1 sir.
GOWER: You're not paid to be a canary.
YOUNG GEORGE: No, sir. Hey there's a telegram up here! "We regret to inform you that your son, Robert, died very suddenly this morning stop..... We await instructions from you." Gosh poor Mr. Gower. (We hear Gower cough.). Mr. Gower, do you want something.....anything?
GOWER: No.
YOUNG GEORGE: Anything I can do back here?
GOWER: No.......(We hear pills spilling)......no!
YOUNG GEORGE: I'll get them, sir.
GOWER: I don't need your help! Get out of my way. Don't need anybody's help.
YOUNG GEORGE: Oh my gosh, this box of pills says poison! Mr. Gower, did you see what's on this box?
GOWER: What? Just be quiet! Telling me my job! Take these capsules over to Mrs. Blaine's. She's waiting for them!
YOUNG GEORGE: But Mr. Gower, maybe you should...........!
GOWER: She's waiting for them! Now get going!
YOUNG GEORGE: Yes, sir. They have the diphtheria there, haven't they, sir? GOWER (Distracted): Yes......yes.......!
YOUNG GEORGE: Is it a charge, sir?
GOWER: Yes -- charge.
YOUNG GEORGE: Mr. Gower, I think ..
GOWER: Aw,get going! (We hear Gower walk off.)
YOUNG GEORGE: Yes, sir. (To himself) Gosh, I gotta go see Dad!
AUDITION SIDE 6- George and Mr. Potter
POTTER: Well George what can I do for you? A little problem at the Building and Loan?
GEORGE: I'm in trouble, Mr. Potter. I need help. Through some sort of an accident my company's short in their accounts. The bank examiner's up there today. I've got to raise eight thousand dollars immediately.
POTTER (casually): Oh, so that's what the reporters wanted to talk to you about? GEORGE (incredulous): The reporters?
POTTER: Yes. They called me up from your Building and Loan. Along with the man from the DA's office. He's looking for you.
GEORGE (desperate): Please help me, Mr.Potter. Help me,won’t you please? If you still want the Building and Loan, why I . ....
POTTER (interrupting): George, could it possibly be there's a slight discrepancy in the books?
GEORGE: No, sir. There's nothing wrong with the books. I've just misplaced eight thousand dollars. I can't find it anywhere.
POTTER: Have you notified the police?
GEORGE: No, sir. I didn't want the publicity. Harry's homecoming tomorrow
POTTER (snorts): What is it -- a woman, then? You know, it's all over town that you've been giving money to Violet Bick.
GEORGE (incredulous): What?
POTTER: Not that it makes any difference to me, but why did you come to me? Why don't you go to Sam Wainwright and ask him for the money?
GEORGE: I can't get hold of him. He's in Europe.
POTTER: I see. I've suddenly become quite important. What kind of security would I have, George? Have you got any stocks?
GEORGE (pulls out policy): I have some life insurance, a fifteen thousand dollar policy. POTTER: Yes....how much is your equity in it?
GEORGE: Five hundred dollars.
POTTER (sarcastically): Look at you. You used to be so cocky! You once called me a warped, frustrated old man. What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? Why don't you go to the riff-raff you love so much and ask them to let you have eight thousand dollar? You know why? Because they'd run you out of town on a rail . .But I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, George. Since the state examiner is still here I'm going to swear out a warrant for your arrest!
GEORGE: Mr. Potter...you’ve got to understand...my gosh...what’ll I do?
AUDITION SIDE 7- GEORGE CLARENCE, BERT, ERNIE
George: Look here, Ernie, straightened me out here. I’ve got some bad liquor or something. That’s Violet Bick. I think I know that girl.
ERNIE: So does every other guy in town with an itch.
GEORGE: I mean everything's crazy! You're Ernie and you live with your wife and kid over in----
ERNIE: You seen my wife???
GEORGE (exasperated): Seen your wife? I've been to your house a hundred times.
ERNIE: Look, bub, what’s the idea? I live in a shack in Potter’s Field and my wife ran away three years ago and took the kid. And I ain’t never seen you before in my life.
GEORGE: Okay. Okay! What's eatin' you? (We hear George get out and slam cab door.) ERNIE: Is this where you live?
GEORGE: Of course it's the place.
ERNIE: Well, this house ain't been lived in for twenty years. Just get out of my cab! Why do I get all the loons? I’m getting a cop. (We hear cab pull away as George enter old house)
GEORGE: Mary! Mary! Susy! Pete! Janie! Zuzu! Where are you?
CLARENCE: They're not here, George. You have no children. This is just the old abandoned Granville place.
GEORGE (ignoring him): Mary!---What do you mean? Everything's crazy tonight! Where are my kids? (then, to Clarence) What have you done with them?
ERNIE (from a distance): There's the lunatic, Bert. Careful he's got a friend. BERT: All right, buddy. No fast moves. Come on out here, both of you. GEORGE: Bert! Thank heaven you're here!
BERT: Stand back.
GEORGE: Bert, what's happened to this house? Where's Mary? Where's my kids? ERNIE (warningly): Watch him, Bert.
BERT: Come on, come on.
GEORGE (bewildered): Bert -- Ernie! What's the matter with you two guys? You were here on my wedding night. Both of you, stood out here on the porch and sung to us, don't you remember?
ERNIE (nervously): He's scaring me Bert.
BERT: Look friend. Everything's going to be all right. I don't want to have to use my stick OK?
GEORGE: Bert, now listen to me.You got to believe me! (gesturing to Clarence) this funny little guy says he's an angel -- he's tried to hypnotize me.
ERNIE: Watch it he's crazy. Bop him one.
BERT:I hate to do this, fella. Hey-Get this little guy off me. Hey!
ERNIE: Here I got 'em. Come here you----
CLARENCE: Run ... George! Run, George!
(ALL AD LIB STRUGGLING AS WE HEAR GEORGE RUN AWAY.)
CLARENCE: Help! Joseph help!
BERT: Oh, shut up!
CLARENCE: Help, oh Joseph, help! Josephine!
JOSEPH: We got you Clarence. Hold on. (We hear chimes and then no scuffling.) BERT: Where'd he go? Where'd he go? I had him right here.
ERNIE {stammering}: I need a drink
BERT: Well, which way'd they go? Help me find 'em.
ERNIE: He lit out towards the Boarding House. But I ain't going. I’m getting in my cab and staying there!